Fitca Prime (OSNN) – Many people woke to a strange occurance a few days ago; GPS reported a shift of all the planetary bodies in the galaxy, some moving even to the far side of the galaxy. Even stranger, was that the powers that moved the planets even renamed them, kindly marking down the new names in the holonet records. While the newly formed Urce Space, home of Sunburst Heavy Industries (SHI), only reported a minor move to a southeasterly location from their previous home, some systems were reporting planets being torn apart and glued together like massive jigsaw puzzles; some even reported that their cities from all over the galaxy had been moved on massive slabs to a giant planet while they slept, as the shifting was occurring. (Sounds like someone has been hitting the booze too early if you ask me.)
Of course, when we got a word in with the Chairman of SHI, Stephen Garrett, he didn’t seem terribly surprised. Here’s what he had to say:
” Nah, wasn’t a surprise. A vision from someone that many just referred to as `The Fish’ warned of the galactic changes that were to happen. So I compiled a list of ideal changes and sent a copy to his servant, Ellias. Guess the powers that be didn’t have much of a problem with them. They seem to be pretty benevolent to those that don’t whine and beg and plead for things to change, or complain about how life isnt fair and such.”
In a related topic, it would seem that when they accidentally the whole galaxy, some of the previous barrens rocks in SHI’s possesion, which had recently sprouted death-grass, were wiped clean in the shift. Speculation is that it is used in a popular recreation drug in “Higher Powers” circles, or that mulch was needed for Keir Santage’s lawn in the Unknowns. What the reality is, we may never know.
…and not a single frack was given.
This was a moderately surprising outcome, given the discovery of growing grass on the previous worlds of Joila and Joil, the latter of which cause a major panic and explosive sales of well…explosives. OSNN-Kiurin local reporter Max Power was on scene, when a few miners walked by, and here was the response.
Max Power: Gentleman, glad I found someone to interview
D.T.D. Hauler #1: Uhhh, can we help you?
MP: Yes you can. We’re interviewing locals about the recent grass growth on Kiurin, and would like to have a few words with you.
DTDH1: It’s just grass. I would suggest heading to Jokspra if you’re into that sort of thing.
MP: BUT THE GRASS GROWS!
D.T.D. Hauler #2: It tends to do that.
DTDH1: I think we need to call the paramedics, this chap’s hyperventilating.
*transmission cuts abruptly, then changes to the “We’ll be right back!” screen*
There you have it folks. Riveting stuff—which brings us to our next piece, a memorial banquet and auction for our late colleague, Max Power. All proceeds will be going into the “Keep Your Nuts Nutty” memorial fund, which provides quality shelter, food, and life insurance for the certifiably insane.
Reports of a new breed of “killer grass” have been circulating around the Widek system recently, after mining crews spotted it after finishing up work around some depleted mines on Joil. When asked about his reaction to the discovery, the dirt hauler responded with visible shivers. “Nothing prepares you for that kind of discovery man—nothing. I mean, I’ve personally seen drastically burned industrial workers, dead organized crime victims, and female Yamrii escort services, but one view of that neon green grass, and it just makes you want to vomit and curl up into the fetal position.”
O-SHI scientists have concluded that its a similar grass to the one found in nearly every other planetary body in the rest of the system, but hypothesize that it’s specific position in the space-time continuum allows for the killer variety to grow.
On the positive side, flamethrower and explosive sales have hit all-time highs on Joil, including the nearly illegal “Mega-Bunker-Busting-Super-Explosive-Salted Fission Mini Nukes.” Remember kids, Go MBBSESFMN or go home!
- Year 11 Day 128:: Onyx Excavations has been renamed to Sunburst Heavy Industries. The galactic press is still waiting for comments on the change.